Editorial 104 - Slap Happy News - by Poet Perry P. Campanella April 1, 2024

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 The Perfect Man

        The winner has been named in our worldwide

 search for the perfect man. After careful consideration

and endless debate, the Perfect man has been named

            Mr. Potato Head

                He’s tan – He’s cute – around 6ft tall

              He knows the importance of accessorizing.

And opens doors for his significant other, and if he looks at another

Girl, you can rearrange his face also pin a long nose on Mr. Potato Head

Older Perry Campanella goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains at different parts of his body.

After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health. “Perry, you’re in excellent shape for a 70-year-old man; But I’m not a magician – I can’t make you any younger,” says the doctor. “Who asked you to make me younger?” said Perry. “You just make sure I get older!”

___________________________

 If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, and you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains; While to resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, as well as to eat the same foods everyday and be grateful; to understand when loved ones are too busy to give you their attention or time and you can overlook when people take things out on you really, when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong; Or you can take criticism an a blame without resentment; So if you can face this world without lies and deceit; All while to conquer tension without medical help; Well to relax without liquor to sleep without drugs; “Then YOU probably live on the third rock from the sun!”

Arizona Highway Patrol

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the cause. An amateur rocket scientist had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not on the ground. 

REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK:

It's an incentive to show up.
It reduces stress.
it leads to more honest communications.
It cuts down on time off because you can work
with a hangover.
Employees tell management what they think,
not what...management wants to hear.
It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
It encourages carpooling.
increase job satisfaction because if you have
a bad job, you really don't care.
It eliminates vacations because people would
rather come to work.
It makes fellow employees look better.
Bosses are more likely to hand out raises
when they are wasted.
Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so well
ahh! embarrassing.
Employees work later since there's no longer a
need to relax at the local bar.
It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
Everyone agrees they work better after they've
had a couple of drinks down the hatch. gulp!
Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
sitting on the copy machine will no longer be 
seen as "gross."
The slap-happy good news is:
Employees no longer need coffee to SOBER UP

During an attack of laryngitis; I lost my voice completely for three days;

 To help me communicate with her, my wife devised a method of taps; One tap meant, “Give me a kiss” two taps meant “Yes” six taps meant “NO” fifty taps; Well when is Dinner ready? 100 taps “I am out of Beer; Looks like we need a new Keg “ I’m all tapped out ”

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